Belonging

I'm struggling a lot with a sense of belonging. 

During my first pregnancy, I didn't feel like I belonged in the group of folks celebrating their pregnancies because of the circumstances surrounding mine - a few people I knew who were pregnant at the same time were all married and in at least seemingly positive relationships, and I felt unworthy of celebrating for much of the experience. It was tremendously lonely, but I was strong because I needed to be.

Now, all of my friends are folks I know through either work or my son's activities, so their children are all closer in age to my 12-year-old - alone, again.

And even in the online circles of infertility support and resources, I feel like I don't belong, because I already have a child. One of the pages I follow on social media posted something recently that was full of positive affirmations, like "I am stronger than my struggles and I am meant to be a mother." And it just made me feel guilty, because I am already a mother. Alone, because the resources don't speak to me and guilty because I never, ever want my son to think he's not enough. The guilt is enough for its own post another day - there's been so, so much of it already.

I've been seeking out more resources tailored specifically to folks experiencing secondary infertility, to try and find the community where I belong. My husband is still working out of state so there's going to be a lot of time apart during the pregnancy, so I'm trying to create a safe group for myself as best as I can. My therapist asked how I felt about the distance, and I told her honestly, my first pregnancy, I was alone even with my partner in the room. My husband loves me incredibly and is already immensely in love with our potential children, and he'll be as present as possible given the current situation.

With my first pregnancy, the struggles were significantly more emotional than physical. I was healthy, my son was healthy, and on paper everything looked phenomenal every step of the way. Since that's my only point of reference, it's what I'm hoping for for the second time around, But with my resources ready ahead of time to help find a healthy balance of all the feelings and emotions.