Uncertainty

I woke up on July 1 as hopeful as ever, dutifully saying rabbit rabbit the way I have since I was a kid, and with particular intention the last few months as we've been navigating this new experience of trying to get pregnant with IVF. I kissed my son's forehead and took my morning medications and vitamins before going on the computer to make the monthly budget and pay the rent, utilities, and other bills.

It's been tough the last few weeks, with the expense of IVF and extra traveling to make sure my husband is here for all the procedures. Lots of unanticipated expenses also, like three or four bridge toll bills for driving into San Francisco multiple times, and all these tanks of gas. But a few weeks earlier, I got an email from my department chair that said I passed my three-year review and I'd be getting a pretty decent raise - and a few days later, another email from the University president saying that because of excellent progress with the school's growth and improved status, there would be another small raise given as well.

I was so excited and told my husband, this would be a huge relief - I'd be able to make real progress on paying off the bills that have been growing with the cost of IVF injectables, summer camp tuition payments, flight and hotel bills ... I made a separate budgeting chart for how to maximize the payments and be debt-free within a year.

And of course, if you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans.

A few hours later, still on the first of the month, after all the bills were paid and I was gathering laundry to help my son pack for summer camp an email came through from the office of the Dean. And then another. And then another still. Three emails in quick succession: first, that one of my classes had low enrollment and was being canceled - second, that my contract was being revised accordingly and I would be taking a huge pay cut - and third, information about benefits urging me to check and see if I still qualified for the healthcare plan.

In 30 seconds, my world got completely flipped upside down. It was like whiplash in a car accident that wouldn't stop - it was hours before my head stopped spinning and my stomach settled down at all. The sobbing was quick and fierce, and my eyes were burning all day with no chance of recovery, because even if I would stop momentarily, the tears were back within minutes.

I emailed the Dean and the department chair, and nearly a week later I still haven't heard from either of them, the fucking cowards. The course had low enrollment, but first-year student orientation has not yet happened, and it's a course that is typically almost entirely made up of freshmen. In seven years years, I've never had low enrollment in the course on the first day of classes, despite what it looks like in early summer. Most semesters, I even end up with a waiting list in the first few days of classes.

A couple of days ago, I got a message from the language coordinator saying that despite the overall situation at the university, our school and specifically our department are in a "budgetary crisis" and we lost one whole lecturer position in addition to my French course and a Spanish course. Half a sentence was dedicated to a generic apology, and the whole thing just made me even more devastated.

With whatever optimism I can muster, I'm trying to find positives. My contract has a time reduction but my salary is still based on the raise, so even though I'll be making less than I was hoping, at least there's a little bit more of a buffer than if I had not gotten a raise recently. There's still a five-figure difference between what I will be making this fall and what I've been budgeting for the last few years, and I'm overwhelmed both with trying to figure out how to recover the loss with a second job or a side hustle, and the implication that this is the first of more cuts to come, and I've got to start looking seriously for opportunities that are not only going to serve me/my family/our needs but be more reliable in the long-term.

Maybe it's a universal message. Right before I got pregnant with my son, I had a couple of teaching jobs lined up that got canceled because of low enrollment. A few days after losing the jobs, I got the positive pregnancy test, and one of my biggest worries was about managing financially. Discussing my options with a couple of my close cousins, one of whom found herself in the same situation a few years before I did, I told them how worried I was about not having a teaching job and about being able to afford not only a baby but a child for all of its life. And my cousin said, money is important but it's not the only reason why you should make whatever decision you make. There are resources available and you've got family and support in so, so many ways. Make the decision that is right for you, but don't make it entirely about the costs.

She was right, of course. I used low income resources the year that I was pregnant, benefitting from services and a system I had been paying into since my first job the day I turned 16. I worked a part-time grocery store job until the last month of my pregnancy, and applied for teaching jobs whenever they came up. I interviewed for a school a few weeks after my son was born, and we moved to South Carolina for the job two months later. It wasn't the perfect job long-term, but it was what we needed when we needed it. 

And that's how things have really been for so much of my life. I don't always have everything I want when I want it, but it has always worked out that I have everything I need when I need it. And that is the absolute very best that I can ask for. Stability for my family is my top priority. Even when I was getting divorced and times were extremely tight, I never once missed a single payment on any bills, my son had diapers and clean clothes and delicious healthy meals.

So maybe this is a secret blessing. Like they say, history doesn't repeat itself but it does rhyme. The job stress and anxiety isn't exactly the same as before my first pregnancy, but it's enough to ground me a bit and humble me right now. My schedule was reduced for the fall, but hopefully I'll be pregnant soon and maybe that's a blessing because I'll be able to take care of myself and not be overwhelmed with balancing work and everything else.

On the way home from driving my son to his summer camp, I got a call from the fertility clinic. They had expected to hear from me several days earlier reporting a period after removing the birth control ring, but the period never came - so they asked me to come in for another ultrasound just to see how things were progressing. I headed in the next afternoon, and told them I wasn't surprised about the lateness, with how busy the previous week had been and all the general life stress contributing to what I'm sure is a chaotic mix of hormones.

Everything looked mostly okay on the ultrasound. As it turned out, despite having the birth control ring in, I still ovulated. So now we are waiting on a natural period and they will bring me in for another ultrasound once it starts, with a plan for the frozen embryo transfer a few days after that. It's a delay of another week or so from the original intended calendar, but it's healthy and fairly normal - more of a speed bump than a mountain.

Like everything, this too shall pass. There's still a lot of nerves and anxiety about absolutely everything, but the tears have stopped and I am starting to feel calm enough to make some plans. Like with all of the IVF stuff, it's the best we can hope for right now.