It's been really interesting to observe my grief over the first failed round of IVF, and comparing it to previous losses and failures in my life. When the doctor called to confirm that the embryo transfer had failed, there was certainly shock but I don't know that there was ever a point of denial - even before the phone call, I was trying to read clues from my body, and I think my body and my heart confidently knew the results even before they were read to us.
The next transition was clearly into guilt and depression, where I felt responsible for not only the failure but for the sadness and the grief that it brought to my husband and my son. The embryo was growing and thriving until it was put inside me, and then it disappeared. There's no information or detail about why the transfer failed, nothing immediately obvious to why it didn't stick. But still, seeing the tremendous sadness in my family… it is hard not to blame myself for that.
For the last few days especially, I've been in a deep cycle of anger. I'm sure a lot of it has to do with trying to get paperwork organized in preparation for the second round that we are about to begin, and trying to get the financial aspects coordinated. I'm angry. I'm so angry. I'm so mad that the insurance is as complicated as it is, that it is already an emotional and complicated process even without the added frustration of navigating paperwork. It's overwhelming to the point of exhaustion, trying to make sense of everything and dealing also with another layer of guilt at the overwhelming out-of-pocket costs.
It feels a lot like drowning. Like clawing desperately to try and stay above surface, because you can swear there's something in the distance and if you can just hold on, it will pay off and it will work out and everything will have been worth the exhaustion and the frustration and every complicated aspect of the experience.
And on top of it: I'm alone. My son was off at his first summer camp, now off with my ex-husband for this week, and next week he goes off to another summer camp for all of July. I can't go to Colorado to be with my husband because of doctor appointments this week, and I'm struggling to figure out if I can go for a few days after my son leaves for summer camp because of the cost of flights. Can we afford flights for me just to not be alone, when we're going to need a flight for my husband a few weeks later for the embryo transfer? And then, more guilt. We're wasting money because I can't handle all these feelings and all this paperwork. We're not the first family to go through this, hundreds or thousands of families have been able to navigate this. So why can't I?
I'm just exhausted, mentally, and I have no idea what it's going to take to get me to the acceptance stage, and whatever sense of hope comes with it.
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