The Spark

I slept terribly Saturday night into Sunday - it took forever to fall asleep, then I woke up around 1:30 a.m. and couldn't get back to sleep. It was hard to explain to my husband - I was worried about everything, but couldn't even really put it into words. I couldn't come up with a logical explanation for my anxiety, just ... all of it. What if we show up and there aren't any embryos left? What if there's an issue with the transfer? What if it doesn't work - my husband has to return to Colorado on Wednesday, so if something goes wrong and the cycle fails ... I'll be alone with the information. It's going to be the worst, heaviest thing to hold, and I'm going to have to hold it alone.

My husband is working out of state in a post-doctoral position until April 2026, and what happens next is still up in the air. There had been discussion of creating a full-time position for him managing a lab there, but with this past November's election, the funding seems less secure and everything is much more tentative. Right now, he's trying to create a collaborative research activity between the school in Colorado and the school here in California so he can be employed by Colorado but be home with our family here, especially if this cycle works so he can be here for us during the pregnancy. But it's so up in the air, and it's something I'm trying not to think about too much because I'll spiral and there's already so, so much on my brain's plate right now.

He was able to be here for a few weeks and work remotely so he could be here for the egg retrieval and the embryo transfer, and he'll be here for the first blood test but we'll likely have him at the airport in the afternoon before we get the results. I don't even know what I will do if this fails. I don't know how I will react, if I'll panic and sob or just be numb and retreat into myself. But the odds are, it'll be just me reading the results, and I'll have to process it and then compose myself enough to make a devastating and painful phone call.

The transfer itself went very smoothly, despite the doctor running late - the worst part of the whole thing was that I needed a full bladder for the procedure. The transfer didn't hurt, and it was very quick. My husband held my hand, and my son held my arm, and together - we watched The Spark. My friend Natalie explained it like that - that it's this amazing little *twinkle* that you see, and voilà, there it is. Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise. When the transfer happened, we all had tears in our eyes - and my sweet son squeaked out, I'm a brother! And that make me just as emotional as the rest of it. He wants this so, so badly - we all do of course, but he's the one I hate the most to disappoint.

So now, the dreaded Two Week Wait, where we'll have three blood test appointments - the first tomorrow morning, then two next week. By the end of it, we will know if we're still pregnant or not - which is still not a guarantee of getting through the first trimester or any specific amount of time at all, but it's a first opportunity to exhale - a major mountain cleared, even if we still have so many more to climb.