Ever since he was old enough to realize he wasn't the only little person on the planet, he has wanted a sibling. There's been a tremendous amount of guilt about not being able to give him that, first that he didn't have it at all but now also even if we are successful, that there will be such a significant age gap. I know the love will be there and it will be significant and no matter what, he's going to be just the most phenomenal incredible big brother in the world. But it's hard not to feel guilty that he didn't have someone closer to his own age to play with and to be little kids together.
That said, I've done everything I can to make sure that he thrived, no matter what. For several years, I didn't have a partner and he didn't have siblings, but we had each other and it was everything and it was enough. We went camping and hiking and explored and adventured. Part of why he's so creative and independent is perhaps because of necessity, and how he's always been good at imaginary play and making up games and situations on his own because he was often playing by himself.
It reminds me of a conversation I had with my therapist a little while ago, where she said she was proud of me for being so resilient despite all the things that I've had to face. And I told her, alright but I'd rather not be resilient. I survived these things because I had to, there hadn't been a choice. I'm not tough because I want to be, I'm tough because situations forced me to become this way. And I appreciate it being seen as a positive by others, but it's not necessarily a trait that I feel particularly proud of.
I suppose part of what I'm working on in my therapy is learning to be proud of the person I have become, even if it is the result of things I would not necessarily have chosen for myself. And perhaps that is a way to see my son's situation as well. He's independent because he had to be, but it will make him a better person in the long run. Skills and abilities he was able to develop as a long-term only child are benefits that he may not have had with siblings closer in age. Plus, I think back to my own experience being oldest sibling with two years in between my second sister and I, and two more years before the third, and the conflicts and the issues and the personality clashes that came from sharing bedrooms and going to the same schools and other complications that come up with close age gaps.
There's no use wondering what might have been if things had worked out differently or earlier or anything else. All we have is what is, and we're going to do the best we can with the situation we have. In the same breath of frustration at an age gap, at this point I would be so grateful for even the opportunity to say "there's a large gap between my children" because that would mean that this worked and that we've got another person in our family to love.
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